Radio ads

1. “The American Recovery and Reinvestment Act has allocated $27 billion for highway and bridge construction projects. Until then, to navigate the bad roads, buy a Land Rover”.

2. “Looking for a good investment vehicle in these tough economic times? Look no further than the 2009 Range Rover Sport”.

3. “Friends, it gets gloomy in September because Summer is coming to an end. To cheer you up, we are offering 1.5 gallon icecream, any flavor just $4.99. To overcome the guilt of eating icecream, we are offering tender, juicy, boneless chicken breast, just $1.99 a pound.”

4. “abc criminal services. We can help your criminal records disappear. Stop paying the lawyers. Call 800-xxxx-xxx”.

5. “To succeed in the corporate world, you need ilities. Like ability, adaptability, capability… The only MBA program that helps you attain all these is …”

6. “Lady gaga and Kanye west”.

Prediction

I chanced to visit the local temple on sani peyarchi when they were auctioning off sarees worn by the deity vigraham. The winning bids were all in the $3500+ range with at least two dozen bids in the 2000+ range. Which is why I predict that the October numbers for assorted economic indicators will look better. By 2015, at least one study will be published which will discuss historic sani peyarchi dates and their impact on economic indicators.

You can copy-paste this in longbets.org and thank me when you win.

Noun class

Many years ago, in an attempt to add a bullet point to his otherwise thin resume, Mannangatti took up classes at Alliance Fraincaise. Meandering through the noun classes, he asked the teacher (who by the way was a hot chick working as a receptionist in BNP Paribas or AxA or some such hideous company) what he thought was a brilliant question — “who decides the gender of nouns in French?” He was promptly asked to shut up. He couldn’t understand — what if Tamizh Nadu seceded from India? Will it be masculine or feminine? Or what if someone invented a new type of boob implant? Later, he found that it is quite fashionable in the cocktail circuits to extol anything French, from idyllic and romantic cities to the supposedly superior cuisine. For reasons beyond his grasp, anything French was considered effeminate which kind of appealed to the feminists. By extension, most other cultures, like the Tamizh culture, with their “gendered upbringing” represented the draconian patriarchy which they came to detest. Whatever.

Steam Whistle

A name like that brings to mind a train driven by a steam engine, which is not incorrect about the background of this beer. There are a lot of really good Canadian beers. Steam Whistle is definitely one among them, a Pilsner.

Notes:  Bread, malt, hay and subtle hops. Lighter body than expected and a little salty near the finish. Very nice to drink and before you know it, you are down the third. Though Steam Whistle is nothing unique, it is better than most (all?)  local popular beers and some European imports in the same league.

Search terms…

flowery hip flasks,  videos of suga prasavam,  hip flask turned whisky green,  tree of life pomegranate wine,  does tj maxx have whiskey flasks?

The best sign board ever

Of booze, getting drunk and puke

As I am getting older, I can’t drink as much. The liver is working overtime but it can’t keep up.. Wait.. Poring over the pathetic sitemeter data, we figured that our prose is not flowery enough. And apparently, flowery prose generates readership and comments. We have decided to act —

Four years in America have meant that I no longer enjoy booze the way I used to. Drinking luke warm beer without chilli chicken or tandoori paneer to snack on. Drinking within the limits always mindful of the drive back home. What kind of drinking is it if you don’t get drunk? The American kind perhaps.

I am not a big fan of college years. I was glad that the awkwardness and angst ended. When someone talks of wanting to go to college again, I can’t quite relate to it. But sometimes when I drink, I am struck by the sudden memory of binge drinking.

Of being able to snatch money from unsuspecting classmates and buying a full bottle of old monk. Of being unafraid to throw up. Of being in possession of a healthy liver. Of being able to ingest large quantities of alcohol with a 1 Re. packet of pickles. Of being able to watch porn in a room and being unashamed of the erection and/or accidents. Of being unsatiated at the end of it all and wanting more.

To be fair, I could still do this at home. But the thought of throwing up and the resulting bad taste in the nostrils and throat keeps me away from it. This weekend when others in the family went on a road trip, I had a dozen cans of beer all for myself. Keeping me company was ppv porn on TV and carry out tandoori chicken from the local Indian restaurant.

When I woke up in the morning with a massive headache, I reconsidered my ambivalence towards college days. Perhaps there were good times. Just that I don’t remember them all.

(Plagiarized and adapted from a popular Indian blogger. Link not provided because we are afraid she might commit seppuku on reading this perversion.)

Smokehead

The bottle says, “Smokehead is a rich, seaweedy and intensely peaty whisky. The flavor is fresh, fruity and immense, with notes of sherry iodine, toffee, smoke and sea salt all fighting for recognition.” At first take, the peat overwhelms all other tastes and flavors. If you let the whisky stand for a few minutes, all other notes become more apparent. It kind of grows on you and you get to like the finish.

Notes:  Peat, smoke, tea, cocoa, honey and spicy-sweetness. Peatier than the average Islay malt, I’d think. The wife said I smell of kari kattai and isthiri potti after a few sips.

Going Green

The Thamizh pursuit of emigration is as American as the first settlements along Massachusetts Bay. The knowledge economy has changed the direction of the Thamizh journey to the fertile lands of North America, Wal-Mart and second-hand Honda Civics. We are a people occupied with saving vacation days for the visit to Madras or repeatedly entertaining the parents’/in-laws’ pilgrim to the New World and calling on Niagara Falls/Grand Canyon for the umpteenth time.

The land of make-believe has been well-promoted by a generation of Thamizh diaspora exhibiting motorized toothbrushes, electronics and chocolates during their annual trip to Madras. In all honesty, the lifestyle of shopping at TJ Maxx and being hooked to deals on rent.com is not spectacular. The receptionist at work who makes just above the median income of this country is prone to possessing a large house in the choicest neighborhood, a Chevy Malibu, the liberty to take vacation days on Fridays/Mondays in the pleasantness of July and the wherewithal to shop at Nordstrom. Is it her conceit or our misfortune that she does not have to remit forex to faraway lands and pay for air tickets to/from the said lands?

As the cliche goes, the grass is always greener on the other side. But we have perfected the art of landing on this side always. The Thamizh man in Madras working at Tidel Park has millions of people to subsidize his undeserved income. He can have a three-bedroom house in Kancheepuram district and dare to call it Madras. The contrast between him and us is painful: Chilli Chicken and Kingfisher beat Nachos/Potato Boats and Budweiser any day. Riding a Pulsar in chaotic roads is perhaps more respectable than driving a Corolla in the right-most lane. And being the forward caste is infinitely better than playing the role of a visible minority.

-Alan Smithee and I

Guest Post III

The author is India’s eminent blogger and libertarian thinker who writes at Tasmac cutting. Empty Hip Flask is blessed to publish his writings.

As India’s leading blogger, I am inclined to pretend I watch American television channels and programs that may or may not be aired in India. My ability to search and embed YouTube videos is invaluable.

Moving on to Indian television, I’m hooked to the gay version of Vayalum Vazhvum. This is going to be one reality show where I’m going to feel sorry for the winner though he will be marrying into the same sex.